Invalidation, specifically emotional invalidation, is when a person’s thoughts and feelings are ignored, rejected, or judged. Self invalidation and invalidation from those around us can be very damaging especially when paired with abuse recovery. Many believe invalidation is a major contributor to emotional disorders. Some of the most common forms of invalidation include judging, blaming, denying, and minimizing your feelings and experiences.
“Invalidation is crazy-making, and it is also at the root of gaslighting, where victims’ feelings are purposely denied or manipulated in order to make them question their sanity.”
― Samantha Rodman-Clinical Psychologist
Some examples of phrases you may hear when being invalidated.
Blaming
“Why do you have to be such a crybaby? Always ruining every holiday.” “Why didn’t you buy groceries before coming back here? You never think and always make everything harder.” (Blaming is different from taking responsibility)
Judging
“You are overreacting,” “That is a stupid thought,” are examples of invalidation by judging. Ridicule is particularly damaging:“Here we go again, cry over nothing, let those big tears flow because the grass is growing.”
Minimizing
“It’s nothing, and you’re just going to keep yourself awake tonight over nothing” is usually said with positive intentions. Still the message is to not feel what you are feeling. It may seem small to a parent but to the child it could be their whole world at stake.
Denying
“You are not angry, I know how you act when you’re angry,” “You have eaten so much, I know you aren’t hungry,” “You don’t know what you’re talking about” and “You’ve never had that happen to you.” invalidate the other person by saying they don’t feel what they are saying they feel.
More examples include:
- I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.
- You’re overly sensitive.
- You probably took it too personally.
- You’ll get over it.
- Just let it go.
- You’re a strong person.
- It could be worse.
- God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- I know exactly how you feel.
- You shouldn’t be angry (or any other feeling).
- You make a big deal out of everything.
- That didn’t happen.
- Stop making things up.
- I’m not going to talk about this with you.
- You probably misunderstood.
